若是有个人冷不怔地出来问你：天津卫出嘛？要答不上话碴儿，你还真被人家问“闷儿”了。天津卫这地方，大马路上不种五谷杂粮，小胡同里不长瓜果梨桃，满城几十万人口，几十万张嘴巴睁开眼睛就要吃要喝，就算天津卫有九条河流横穿而过，即使这九条大河里游满了鱼虾螃蟹，连河岸边的青蛙一起捉来下锅，恐怕也喂不饱这几十万张肚皮。所以，君不见日日夜夜火车轮船不停地往天津运大米白面，城乡公路车拉肩担又不停地往天津送蔬菜瓜果。就这么着，天津爷们儿还吵闹着嘛也买不到，大把的钞票攥在手心里愣花不出去。
If someone throws a question to you: What does Tianjin produce? If you are unable to give an answer, you may feel completely flummoxed. The city of Tianjin produces neither grain nor fruit, and with a population of several thousand, it would be difficult to feed all the residents, even if the place were endowed with nine rivers teemed with fish and shrimps, and even if all the frogs in the river were killed for food. No wonder trains and ships carry rice and flour to Tianjin non-stop, day and night, and all roads to the city are congested with truckloads and cartloads of vegetables and fruits. Even so, Tianjin folks still obstreperously complain that there is absolutely nothing to buy, and there is simply no way to spend the huge lumps of cash they are holding.
你道这天津卫到底出嘛？我心里有数，只是不能往外乱说，张扬出去，我就没法儿在天津呆了。天津爷们儿怪罪下来，大不了我一个人拉着家小逃之夭夭，可天津卫还有我的老宅院，还有我的姑姨叔舅，让人家受我连累，我对不起人。
What on earth does Tianjin produce then? I know the answer perfectly well, but I have to hold my tongue. If the word spreads, I shall be forced to leave Tianjin. Should the locals take umbrage, I can just disappear together with my family. But I have an old house and some relatives in Tianjin. It wouldn't be fair to implicate my relatives. I certainly don't want to get them into trouble.
说顺听的吧，天津卫出秀才，出圣人。有人说瞎掰，你天津卫千多年没出过一个状元，到清朝政府废除科举，天津卫就没一个人上过金榜，所以直到如今天津的文庙不能开正门，你说寒碜不寒碜。其实天津不出状元是因为天津离京城太近，想考状元的早早搬迁进京城住去了，中了状元甩京腔他也不承认自家是天津人，白喝了天津卫的海河水，白吃了这许多年的煎饼裸子，这叫不厚道。再说天津爷们儿从来没把状元看得有什么了不起，好汉子讲的是独霸一方，状元郎不就是给皇帝老子作驸马吗？没劲，认皇后作丈母娘，这姑爷准不好当。
So let me start by saying something flattering. Tianjin produces scholars and sages. Some may say this is sheer twaddle. Over a thousand years, Tianjin hasn't produced a Number One Scholar. Up to the time when the Qing government abolished the imperial examination system, not a single person from Tianjin had ever found his name on the list of successful examination candidates. So even today due to this disgrace the Confucian Temple in Tianjin can't open its main gate. Isn't it humiliating? But the reason for it can be ascribed to Tianjin's geographical proximity to Beijing. Those who wanted to take the examination would move there at their earliest convenience, and those who passed the examination would acquire a Beijing accent and refuse to acknowledge their Tianjin origin, with no credit being given to the fact that they had been raised in this city. Years of feeding them plainly went down the drain. How ungrateful! But then, no one in Tianjin cared much about scholars. If you were a big shot of the day, you had your own territory to rule. What was so special about Number One Scholar? You might end up being the emperor's son-in-law, which could hardly be fun. It wasn't exactly exciting either to have the empress as your mother-in-law.
说不中听的话，天津卫出混混，出青皮。有这么回事没有？有。这用不着捂着瞒着，天津混混有帮有派，打起架来不要命，最能耐的叫“叠”了，一双胳膊抱住脑袋，曲膝弓背侧躺在地上，任你乱棍齐下，血肉横飞，打烂了这边，再翻过身来让你打那边，不许喊叫，不许出声，不许咬牙，不许皱眉头。为什么要这样打人？为什么要这样挨打？说不清缘由，这叫天津气派，后来时兴新潮词汇，叫作“天津情结”。
To put it bluntly, Tianjin produces good-for-nothing loafers and hooligans. Is that so? Oh, yes. There is no need to say less than the truthful. Tianjin hooligans, organized and grouped, would risk their necks in scrimmages. Their most peculiar practice is called "folding" while holding your head in your arms, you lie on your side with knees bent, and no matter how unsparingly they bludgeon you, with blood gushing and spouting in every direction, you are not supposed to scream, or even utter a sound. In addition, you should neither clench your teeth nor frown. When one side of your body is thoroughly battered, you turn around to expose the other side. Why beat people like this? And why do the victims put up with this? No particular reason. Maybe this is Tianjin style. Or to use a trendy phrase, it is the "Tianjin complex".
天津卫还总得有些独一无二的人物吧？有。这类人物只在天津能够找到，大江南北，长城内外，东洋西洋，世界各地，只在天津卫才能见到，告诉你长长见识，这类人物叫天津闲人。
Are there any outstanding characters in Tianjin after all? Yes, there are, a type that can only be found in Tianjin. Wherever you go, north or south, east or west, or even all over the world, you won't be able to find this type anywhere else, for it is unique to Tianjin. Let me explain: these are Tianjin idlers.